"Schrödingers Cat" or: TO THE FRIENDZONE, ROBIN!!

NanananananananananaFRIENDZONE

Schrödingers Cat is a nice metaphore for dating. The feeling of not knowing if this thing is alive and breathing, or just a dead, lifeless puddle of hummus dripping on the floor can be nice. But sometimes reality is just disappointing.

At some point, you've might came across said puddle of hummus.

It happens to almost everybody at some point in life. And it happened to me recently, so I came to think about it.

After several occasions I have come to the conclusion that the friendzone just doesn't simply exist. It exists on several layers.

There are some counter-theories like the "Ladder-Theory", it mainly tells us that males have one ladder while females have two. A male places females upon his one ladder ranking how much or how little he wants to have sex with her.

Females have two ladders: the "friend ladder" and the "potential ladder". If a male who is situated upon the friend ladder attempts to jump onto the potential ladder, he will fall into the great abyss and struggle to climb back onto the friend ladder.

While the "Ladder-Theory" is very true in in a lot of ways, the infamous friendzone consists of many stages and all of them are hard to get out of, potentially rising in difficulty depending on how deep you are in.

1. Friendzoned after first contact

• Friendzoned after the first date. It's not so bad in terms of "friendzoning". Just forget that douche/bitch and move on.

2. Plain friendzoned

• friendzoned after dating a few times, not getting to third base. Well, it can be hard, depending on how much feelings evolved over the short period of time.

3.Friendzoned after fucking

• AFTER getting to third base (even if you slept together for a few times). Well, he/she was obviously just in for the poon. Pretty bad, concerning the fact that a lot of girls only sleep with men when they have feelings for them.

4. Friendzoned after long contact

• Very, very painful. You've probably waited a long time to confess your feelings or been in an quasi-relationship with someone who can't commit.. Being dumped at that point is devastating and painful. Grab some Vodka and a giant Jar of Ben&Jerry's, you deserve it...

5.The Safety Zone

• Let's just say, it's bad. He/She can't imagine anything other than an amazing, platonic Bro-Relationship. Get some canopeners, they're on discount at IKEA. You'll need them for the next Champions-League-Season.

6.The Korean Demilitarized Friendzone

• "You're like the brother I never had!" Instant cock-block. Not even a hint of hormones. Break into a medical research facility to steal some hormones or sob quitely everytime he/she tells you about how great they are getting along with their crush. Who is SO not you.

7.The seventh circle of hell. Dante was right.

• I'll pray for you.

8. Regret Zone.

• There is no way out of there. That's eternal. Saying "Let's just stay friends!" at this point is like saying "Oh hey look the dog died. But we can keep the body." You were friends. Might even been a "Besties-Pinkyswear-Thing". You have dated, there were feelings but they remained unrequited. You've talked about it, decided to stay friends and never ever talked about "that thing that happened". It's there and it creeps arround everytime you do something together. If it was you that got friendzoned, you cry on the inside while smiling on the outside. The wound just festers and rots and stinks and you are suffering. Just drink yourself to a coma.

That's about it for my collected thoughts about the friendzone. Take care, have a jar of B&J's ready and tell me what you think.

From first hand and living proof that even girls get friendzoned,

CK